Month: January 2021

Can a friendship transcend time? Once touched by a friend, are we touched forever?

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin     

Janet and I were 2 weeks apart in age. We met in elementary school. She came from a large, affluent family and I from a small, struggling family. Janet was artistic, creative, kind and funny. She not only made me laugh, I look back and see she gave me balance. We visited each other’s homes, played together and enjoyed each other’s company. So simple, nothing amazing or out of the ordinary, a friendship.

How is it that 47 years later, I’m still thinking about Janet and thanking God she was part of my life? Yesterday, I sent out my wishes to Janet and thought about her kind and gracious ways. I reminisced about the time we decided to write a play. First we wrote the play and then we met to make our puppet characters. We were quite serious about this play. Her siblings laughed at us; we were so enthralled with our undertaking. It was so simplistic and innocent. We were ten years old and going to live forever.

To Touch a Soul

What connects two people? Is it similarities, acceptance, kindness? How do you touch someone’s soul?

According to Kash and Susan from Spiritualunite.com, “your soul could be connected to anyone.” One indicator that you’ve connected to someone’s soul is the overall sense of peace you experience. In addition, when you touch another’s soul, you recognize who you are, you connect with your core. This, I believe sums up our relationship and friendship.

I remember visiting Janet’s house that year, the day after Christmas. My new bike was just something she had to see and then we could go for a ride together. She wasn’t home, her siblings said she had to go to the doctor. They joked about it. I asked them to let her know I visited and I would see her at school.

Heart Breaking News

That first day back to school was like no other, I found out Janet had died on New Year’s day. It was out of the blue, not expected. What seemed like a routine doctor’s visit turned into a hospital stay and ended in her death from leukemia. This was 47 years ago, they didn’t have the knowledge they have today. Maybe things would have turned out differently with all the new knowledge.

Janet, the girl that received perfect attendance awards each year, died of leukemia two weeks shy of her eleventh birthday. I spent the day in a daze. When my parents came home from work, I let them know and asked to go to the wake.

The memory of standing on the steps of the funeral home, trying to move forward, but just frozen, is still strong. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t see my friend Janet in a coffin. I cried and tried to pull myself together but the heaviness within was too strong. My mom went in and spoke with her parents. She let me know Janet looked so lovely in a beautiful white dress.

The next day, my friend, Dana and I walked to church for the funeral mass. In all these years I don’t think I’ve attended a funeral mass with so many hysterical people. Everyone was just sobbing uncontrollably.

Dana and I didn’t have much to say as we walked the 6 blocks to school. Conversation wouldn’t come to us; the tears just kept getting in the way. Just three flights of stairs to get to class, I couldn’t make it, I broke down on the steps so torn up and conflicted. How could my beautiful friend Janet be gone? It was beyond my understanding or comprehension. Dana tried to get me going. I just needed time.

Time Soothes the Pain

Time eventually soothed the raw pain and understanding replaced the questions and confusion of an eleven year old child. Janet wasn’t gone, she was in another place. For whatever reason, God needed another angel and he took Janet.

Each year at this time of year, I honor my special friend. Yes, I do feel our souls were connected. I also feel a part of Janet remains within me. Janet allowed me to be who I was, she didn’t try to change me, nor did I try to change her, we simply enjoyed time together, the perfect friendship.

You may say we were so young, we didn’t have the time to know about friendship. I beg to differ, God gave me a special friend that was mine on earth for a short period of time. Now she is in heaven and I honor her memory, but rest assured, she remains with me. She will live within me forever.

Normally by this time, many of us would have started on our New Year’s resolutions or already thrown them to the wind. This year though, preparing for 2021 has been different. I haven’t heard the same type of banter surrounding New Year’s resolutions. Do you agree?

What’s Apropos for 2021?

As I continue to speak with family and friends, it seems that resolutions may actually be superfluous in 2021. We need more than resolutions. If you look up “resolutions” in the dictionary, they’re just “firm” decisions to do something. Well, that’s not going to be enough to elicit change in 2021.

By change, I’m referring to change in our emotional outlook and feelings of wellbeing , not social change. We have plenty of people in the news touting the social changes needed to fix the world. I guess, I’m more concerned about the fibers that make us continue on our journey; what’s going to help us get through our days.

For this kind of change, I believe we need more than resolutions, we instead need hope.

Hope

Hope is to want something to happen or to be true and usually have a good reason to think that it might. So when we hope, we have a desire or a feeling of expectation that what we want will happen.

This sounds simple, but I think it goes so much deeper than that, for when we hope, we can conjure up magic. Maybe I feel this way because I believe hope inspires us and calls upon our faith in ourselves, our religion and others. I’m not the only one that feels this way. Just take a look at what others have to say about hope.

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all.” – Emily Dickinson

“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world. Hope is the dream of a waking man.” – Piny the Elder

“Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.” – Samuel Smiles

“Hope will never be silent.” – Harvey Milk

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

I love these quotes. They’re inspiring, uplifting and open ended. They have no boundaries. Doesn’t that sound liberating and risk free? Feel how hope emits energy.

The feeling of hope welling up within me, makes me curious; how does hope have this power? Well, Elizabeth Hopper, PhD has some answers. She writes, positive psychology researchers indicate that cultivating hope can be incredibly powerful: it can help propel us towards our goals, even when things seems stressful or uncertain.

Professor Everett Worthington explains, “Hope is not Pollyannaish optimism – the assumption that a positive outcome is inevitable. Instead, hope is a motivation to persevere toward a goal or end state, even if we’re skeptical that a positive outcome is likely.”  According to psychologists, “hope involves activity, a can-do attitude and a belief that we have a pathway to our desired outcome. Hope is the willpower to change and the way-power to bring about that change.”

Having this steadfast mindset each day or in the face of adversity helps us stay positive on a daily basis and move mountains when necessary. In 2021, I think we need to move mountains, we need to face the new year with hope and solicit positivity.

This way of thinking about hope is not new. Charles Snyder, a psychologist, developed the “Hope Theory“. According to Snyder’s theory, hope includes pathways thinking and agency. The ways we achieve a goal are “pathways thinking” and the motivated confidence or the steadfast mindset is the “agency”.

Hope’s Benefits

Being hopeful has its benefits. Perfect, we change our way of thinking and reap rewards. Psychologists have completed studies and confirmed that people with hope have higher levels of wellbeing, positive emotions and a stronger sense of purpose. They also have lower levels of depression and loneliness.

You may wonder, why does hope provide such positive outcomes. Well, I’ve now learned, when we’re hopeful, we deal with stressful occurrences in healthier ways. We’re more logical when addressing the urgency at hand, we come up with alternatives and then decide on the best option. We don’t avoid the problem but instead, hit it head on.

I think this is why I have this welling up positive feelings when I’m hopeful. I must dispel the negativity within and give myself a boost. My positive feelings then must motivate me to action. That makes sense to me.

How Do I Find Hope?

Know that having hope is always an option and possibility. Psychologists have held studies with individuals facing dire situations and witnessed increased hope develop in the midst of such uncertainty.

Loss of hope is a result of cognitive distortion. This is when we have irrational thoughts or ideas, like when that little voice fills you will doubts. If we manage our cognitive distortions, we experience more positive emotions.

To build up hope, we basically need our own little arsenal filled with tools to provide positive thoughts. Professor Everett Worthington suggests we find our “heroes of hope” and write them down. Start listing movies, books, quotes, etc. that inspire you. For me, this may include, The Inn of the Sixth Happiness, Little Women, It’s a Wonderful Life, and the quotes I included at the beginning of this article. I know after watching or reading these, I always feel uplifted.

Psychologist, Karyn Hall tells us to start taking small steps. Break down problems into small pieces and start working on each piece. We feel positive and not as overwhelmed when we successfully overcome a small piece of a problem.

Another way to gain hope is to help others. When we help others, we increase our positive feelings. Working on causes can help us find hope.

We can also seek professional help. A therapist helps clients find ways to cope with problems and can help motivate you to work toward the change.

2021

Yes I’m convinced hope is needed in 2021. I believe hope will help us improve our emotional outlook and impact our wellbeing.

I’m moving forward in 2021, with an energy and a desire to inspire others to look for hope and gain light in their lives. I’m going to look for the positives, make an effort to remove negative thinking from my mind and try to replace each negative with a positive thought. I’m creating my toolkit to go to when my hope ebbs.

We’re coming out of the pandemic, social distancing will soon be in our past. This is definitely making me more hopeful. I’m proceeding with thoughts of friends, backyard parties and gatherings. I plan on catching up on the lost visits and enjoying the comradery and laughs.

What else? It’s time for self-care, an area that has been lacking for me. Being able to prioritize my time has been my difficulty. In 2021, I’m placing myself in front so I can keep moving in a positive direction. If quiet time, meditation time or pampering time is needed, I’m going to give it a try. This is a year to successfully learn how to meditate and find peace, allowing my hope to increase.

I started this blog to help myself, I wanted to see the good in things. I felt by writing about simple every day occurrences, I could hold on to those basic things that are important and not be smothered by outside world events that have run amok. That was my starting point.

Maybe by reaching out and finding hope, inspiration and the light, in 2021, I can touch others that may need some positive views and vibrations too. I wish all of you luck doing the same. Happy New Year to all!!

For Additional Details:

https://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-what-are-cognitive-distortions/

https://healthypsych.com/psychology-of-hope/

https://theconversation.com/how-hope-can-keep-you-healthier-and-happier-132507

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S259011332030002X?via%3Dihub